SKÖLIOSIS Week 2—Arizona 34 Vikings 33.

Well, no one saw that coming. Except for everyone that did. This is SKÖLIOSIS after all, the only semi-regular Minnesota Vikings column that acknowledges that being a Vikings fan is detrimental to your health.

Just when us Minnesotans were content dismissing Arizona as a place we could store our old people, the Vikings missed a short kick to lose to the Arizona Cardinals, and fall to 0-2. Here are some of the things that hurt the most. We know it was an honest mistake from broadcaster Paul Allen, but anyone listening to the game on the radio got the full “pulling defeat from the jaws of victory” experience with this call. Ouch. 

AT LEAST WE STILL HAVE THE PREGAME PREACH

KFAN give, and KFAN taketh away. While Allen may have muffed the radio call of Greg Joseph’s missed kick, Vikings radio broadcasts continue to give us one of the weirdest, most amazing, ridiculous, can’t believe it still happens, franchises in all of sports—former Viking Greg Coleman’s Pregame Preach. 

So, let me get this straight. Each week we’re going to have a former punter come on the radio and attempt to squeeze a three-minute homily into the fifty or so seconds between the coin toss and kickoff? What’s that? He’s going to go full fire and brimstone, quoting multiple bible verses and yelling most of the time usually about animals? And this is on the regular radio broadcast? Really, okay cool. 

CHANDLER JONES WAS GOING TO KILL KIRK, BUT . . . 

One of our favorite subplots of this week’s Vikings game against the Cardinals was Chandler Jones, the Chandler Jones of the 5 SACKS LAST WEEK IN ONE GAME. Only this week Jones was going against our very own Kirk Cousins, whose specialty is collapsing under pass pressure like a Jenga tower in a college bar. It’s almost like the number 55 on Jones’ jersey was there to remind Kirk, “I had 5 sacks last week - FIVE!!! Imagine what I am going to do to you!” 

So, instead Kirk just serves up Dalvin Cook to Jones as a sacrificial lamb on a play like he was tossing a steak to a junk yard dog before hopping the chain-link fence to get out of there.

WIDE RECEIVER PECKING ORDER 

Love that K.J. Osborn is going to sell some purple jerseys this week. Can’t wait to see the same photo below at some point with the 17, 18, and 19 wideout trio side by side. It’s just so organized! So tidy! So chronological! 

Reminds me of the dad joke: “Why is 6 afraid of 7?” “Because 7 ate (8) 9.”

Early on this game seemed like #17 Osborn was almost eating #18 (Justin Jefferson’s) soul. He was out Jefferson-ing Jefferson. Osborn was like the bridesmaid that shows up wearing white to the wedding. But then just when you thought Osborn might bust into the gritty, Jefferson finished strong with a beautiful diving catch and some filthy gritty of his own. It was a timely reminder that K.J. is going to have to keep up a pretty torrid pace to match J.J’s incredible rookie year. 

Also, can we have more comic book graphics after touchdowns, please. Or better yet, can they just do instant replays in cartoon version like this? More cartoons, they make everyone happy.   

THE TWO BUDDHAS

So let’s get this straight, the Cardinals actually have a guy on their roster named Buddha Baker, and their beautiful baby of a quarterback also pretended to be a buddha after scoring a touchdown? So many buddhas, so little time. 

On the defensive side of the ball, Buddha Baker made himself a human missile taking out Adam Thielen on a play. This was right before he more impressively did a Karate Kid flip off the ground to get back up afterwards. What’s clear here is this Buddha Baker character clearly as zero chill. He’s terrifying, like something out of the Matrix, more honey badger than buddha. So much so that his quarterback apparently had to do the end zone celebration skit, that literally had his name on it. 

LIKE LOSING TO LIL’ TEAMMATES 

It’s never fun to lose, but it’s even worse to lose to Baby Yoda Kyler Murray and his new favorite tiny target, rookie Rondale Moore. Watching 5’ 10” Murray and 5’ 7” Moore celebrating together, I had to hit the guide on my Xfinity to make sure I wasn’t watching a new Silk Sonic video with Bruno Mars and Anderson .Paak (Also, there’s a random period in front of .Paak, apparently). The always dangerous Murray now combined with Moore is like death by Oompa Loompa, it’s like watching your favorite team lose to those ‘Lil Teammates toys, but with eye black only under one eye, not both.

Moore is so wicked fast that he somehow did a 20-yard button hook past our defensive back before he even knew what was going on. Or maybe he was being covered by Bashaud Breeland, who turns every well run route into the death of Sgt. Elias from Platoon as he buckles with conveniently timed injuries as receivers blow by him. Breeland must have still been digging out of his grave from last week and barely made the flight to Arizona, running out of the locker room just in time to see Rondale Moore sprinting for a touchdown. 

HUMPTY DANCE, ANYONE? 

How great was it having Digital Underground announcing the game? So cool of Fox to add some ‘90s hip hop flavor to the broadcast. Oh, nevermind, apparently that was former cornerback Aqib Talib. Still love the style, the commentating not quite as much. 

ZIMMER SEEING GHOSTS 

Is it weird to anyone else that Coach Zimmer replaced one defensive back named Xavier Rhodes with another defensive back named Xavier Woods? This is like one of those creepy scenarios where a guy has his new girlfriend wear the clothes of his dead wife, and starts calling her by his wife’s name? Did Zimmer make Xavier change his name?  Does the new Xavier have to keep correcting Coach Zimmer, “It’s Woods, Coach. Woods,” while Zimmer tries unsuccessfully to spray his shoulder pads with Rhodes’ old cologne? Will Zimmer continue to alter Woods’ jersey one letter at a time? First they’ll be an R taped over the W in his name—“Nice play Roods!” And then an H over the O—RHODS. We see where this is headed. 

THE KICKER WHISPERER

Staying on Zimmer, would it make sense for the Vikings to officially add a Kicker Whisperer to the coaching staff? Zimmer could really use a special advisor on how to handle kickers. And wouldn’t it be nice to have some old cowboy Robert Redford type guy just whispering to kickers on the sideline, and keeping them calm and away from Zimmer’s whip. The clip below shows the positive change that could happen if a Wyatt Earp style kicking coach could run interference for our emotionally fragile kickers.

It’s clear kickers must have a totally different psyche than normal football players, but Zimmer doesn’t seem to understand that at all. If a guy is crushing 52-yard kicks in his sleep, but missing extra points—maybe you treat him like Seabiscuit playing into his mindset and holding him back in a race until he can’t stand it and literally kicks into gear. Or better yet, maybe rather than keep battling for field position, we should just have Cousins drop back and purposely take a knee on the thirty-five-yard line so Greg Joseph only has to kick 52 yarders. Because clearly it must be easier for kickers to make the tougher kick they aren’t fully expected to make over the easy kick everyone thinks they should. Especially when Zimmer is giving you the death stare from the sidelines. Regardless, if your kicker a) isn’t available to the media after a game and b) wears a KINDNESS. PASS IT ON. hat the next day—you might be in the market for a Kicker Whisperer. 

A FEW OUTTAKES

Another impressive week by Nick “Holding” Vigil, who was one foot away from recovering two turnovers.  

Danielle Hunter had a “Sacktrick.” Can we make this a thing? This is the State of Hockey after all! Has this term been used before? What do you do when a “Sacktrick” happens, what’s the proper protocol? Should we throw octopuses or hats or sacks with baby kittens on the field? Minnesota, let’s make this our thing. Also, is it weird that whenever I hear the word “sack” my word association just goes to kittens? Clearly I’m still traumatized by a The Little House on the Prairie episode where Albert saved the sack of kittens from the river. And that wasn’t even the worst one. How can you forget the “Werewolf of Walnut Grove” where Albert used hair from the barber shop, a paper mache mask and soap to make his mouth foam to convince a kid he was indeed a werewolf. Am I the only one that still thinks about this? Also, is werewolf Albert doing the Kyler Buddha celebration in that bottom photo? Well, we’ve come full circle—how very Zen of us! Seems as good a place as any to finish. We’ll see you next week!