SKÖLIOSIS BYE WEEK: YOU WENTZ SOME, YOU LOSE SOME — Vikings 21, Browns 17
If anyone knows what it’s like to be a loyal fan of the Purple, it’s the readers of SKÖLIOSIS — your weekly reminder that being a Vikings fan is bad for your health.
HEIR AND A SPARE
How are the 2025 Vikings doing? Fine. Which is better than meh, and way better than bad. At 3-2 we are basically one game back in the highly competitive NFC North. This NFL season has been a bit odd across the board. It seems the total disregard for the preseason has resulted in some pretty bad football at the start of the regular season. Not to mention the injuries, with a new star player dropping seemingly every week.
So, if we’re winning more than we’re losing and just 1.5-point underdogs to the hated Philadelphia Eagles—why does this Vikings season feel so uninspired?
Most likely because the Vikings are trapped between an heir and a spare. The kid, J.J. McCarthy was supposed to be our boy King. But then he got hurt, or at least someone told him he was hurt. Making matters worse, Coach O’Connell was on the radio this week talking about how J.J. is working on his “lower body mechanics,” reminding us the kid has had just one practice since the Chicago game, and is focused on building up his base again, including footwork. The way O’Connell was talking made it sound like McCarthy had just started playing football for the first time in his life this month. It sure sounded like #9 was more project than prince, and a long way away from being our heir as the Purple’s quarterback King.
Which leaves us stuck with “the spare,” Carson Wentz. And while he does look a lot like Prince Harry, watching Carson Wentz play quarterback exudes all the excitement of someone asking you if you’d like to go to a Maroon 5 concert. An invitation that would likely sound like this:
“Would you like to go to a Maroon 5 concert? They’re playing at Grand Casino the end of this month?”
“Maroon 5? They’re still around? They were decent back in the day, I think. Or maybe they were never good. They’re still a band? Isn’t the lead singer on The Voice or something?”
“Yes, the lead singer was on the Voice, but he isn’t this season. Which is allowing him more time to focus on his band, Maroon 5.”
“Huh? I think I’m going to pass, also we shouldn’t be friends anymore.”
Just like Maroon 5, Wentz is our stale spare. Maybe he was kinda good a while back, and he’s okay now. Maybe he was never good? Having Carson Wentz at the helm of your football team is like when a city worker barely gets the job done before saying, “can’t see it from my house” as the team heads back to the pickup laughing. He’s just good enough to maybe get the job done. Just good enough to maybe win, or maybe lose. You Wentz some, and you lose some. Leaving the fanbase almost content, while completely underwhelmed.
Baby Monitor
When we refer to the baby monitor, we’re not talking about Coach O’Connell observing J.J.’s “lower body mechanics” as if he’s watching his rookie quarterback take his first steps. No, we’re talking about the real baby J.J. McCarthy and his fiancée had on September 12th, about one month ago.
Let’s take a glimpse inside the McCarthy household, shall we? According to A.I., this is what a one-month-old baby can do:
A one-month-old can primarily move with reflex actions, like grasping and sucking, and can focus vision on objects about 12-18 inches away, especially faces. They will likely spend much of their time sleeping but will also experience a range of sounds and develop the ability to turn their head toward familiar voices. While motor skills are limited, tummy time helps build neck and shoulder strength, and they will begin to show purposeful movements with jerky arm and leg thrusts.
This is good news! J.J.’s baby is about to be ready for some serious tummy time. And you know what goes great with tummy time? Turning on the television, so you can watch your dad play NFL football. Because let’s face it, if we’re ever going to turn Minnesota into Winnesota, the first ingredient is Hope.
We have no idea if McCarthy is any good, but in a town where charisma in a tank top, Anthony Edwards, and the Russian baby Jesus, Kirill Kaprizov, are providing megawatt star power to the other pro sports teams that play this time of year. The Vikings can’t keep rolling out Carson Wentz without us eventually losing interest like we’re watching the weird Jodie Foster season of True Detective. At some point we’re going to stare at the .500 record and just say “I think I’m good,” before turning off the TV and heading upstairs.
If the Vikings do nothing else in 2025, we’d sure like to figure out what we have with McCarthy. We can’t move the goal posts again and head into another off season not knowing what we have with #9. Maybe he’ll be Drake Maye great like this season. Maybe we’ll see flashes but not know for sure like Drake Maye last season. Or maybe he’s Christian Ponder. Regardless, we need to leave quarterback purgatory soon and get some answers.
MAD MAX BEYOND METRODOME
Just to bring home the point, if you polled Vikings fans and said you could pick Carson Wentz or Max Brosmer to start this weekend—most people would say toss Maxi Pad out there and see what happens. Because the truth in sports is having a chance for an A or F grade is way more exciting than knowing you for sure have a C. Is it mostly because Brosmer played for the hometown Gophers? Sure, but at least Brosmer’s story remains unwritten, and therein lies the hope.
JORDAN ADDISON’S QUARTER OFF
Vikings wideout Jordan Addison returned to the team in the Cleveland game only to be benched for the first quarter in London because he airmailed a mandatory team walk thru. He would eventually get into the game and score the winning touchdown. But it is concerning that one of our top players didn’t have a better plan for missing this team meeting. There are 53 players on a NFL roster, you’re telling me Addison didn’t have the creativity or the crew to help him create some sort of Ferris Bueller like apparatus to play hooky for an hour or two? Even if he still got caught he could have said to O’Connell, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” Which most likely would have done the trick.
AN ALIBI FOR ADDISON
Okay, maybe Addison didn’t have the time or required mannequin to pull off a crash test dummy situation to avoid getting caught missing the team meeting. He still should have had an alibi. But since he didn’t, we decided to make one up for him should this exact situation ever occur again.
The game was in London. Harry Styles is from London. But hanging out with a rock star is a lousy excuse, so we need to push deeper. When he’s not filling arenas or sipping watermelon sugar, Harry Styles has also been known to run marathons. He’s fast too, regularly clocking in under three hours. Yes, Harry Styles has excellent straight-line speed and stamina. And there it is. Next time you’re in trouble Jordan, you just say you missed the team meeting in London because you were busy working on technique and running wind sprints with Harry Styles.
This Addison Alibi is bulletproof because it’s just weird enough to work. And when Coach O’Connell dumbfounded asks, “Harry Styles runs marathons?” Your deadpan response is, “Yes, turns out Harry Styles is pretty good at running One Direction.” Between the dad joke and the detailed story, there’s not a chance in hell you’re in timeout for a quarter. You’re welcome. Problem solved.
In closing, we finally get a noon start this Sunday when the Vikings take on the hated Eagles. And even though it’s still chilly, nothing propels the Purple like a lake water SKOL! We’ll see you next week!
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