SKÖLIOSIS WEEK 1: BLIND DATE — Vikings 27, Bears 24
If anyone knows what it’s like to be a loyal fan of the Purple, it’s the readers of SKÖLIOSIS — your weekly reminder that being a Vikings fan is bad for your health.
Let us be the first to welcome you back to another season of Vikings football, and another year of Sköliosis. In the age where anyone who runs a media empire like Pulltab Sports is constantly reminded “no one reads articles anymore,” Sköliosis is your weekly 1,500 word scroll of shenanigans written lovingly by two purple clad monks who have had very little joy being Vikings fans for the past five decades.
But last night we had some joy as we watched “the Kid” lead a comeback in a prime-time game (hear that, Kirk!) that was the tale of two halves. As the Twin Cities wake up hungover on Tuesday, we’ve almost forgotten the first half, the bad interception, and the complete lack of a passing game. We’ve forgotten it because J.J. McCarthy, at least for the moment, represents hope in human form. Across Minnesota today people are texting things like, “he has spirit” and “I like his moxie.” Because all J.J. McCarthy does is win.
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves, let’s do this in proper Sköliosis fashion, and ease into it.
A CASE OF THE MONDAYS
Can we just start by saying having your team play the last game of the first week of the regular season totally sucks. It’s like putting all the Christmas gifts under the tree, before being the only house on the black to make your kids wait until December 26th to open them. Football came back last Thursday, they even snuck in a weird Friday Fogo de Chão Brazil game, and we didn’t even get to see our boys kickoff until 96 hours later. Brutal!
If you were running a company, I hate to be the first one to tell you this, but our estimation is that the productivity of the entire state of Minnesota at the workplace on Monday was hovering around 23%. It wasn’t our fault, there was way too much buildup and somehow the NFL put our Vikings in the Ron Burgundy Anchorman slot. If the Eagles and Cowboys got the pole position, the Bears and Vikings were firmly in the hole position.
THE KID
Making matters even worse, the Vikings first game of the 2025 season wasn’t just our premiere, our debut, it was a blind date. Because no matter what sports media you were taking in, it was painfully clear that the 2025 Vikings season hinged on one thing: quarterback J.J. McCarthy.
All around town you heard people talking about “the kid.” It seemed that half of the Vikings crowd was all-in, constantly referring to “the intangibles” of our new quarterback. “He’s won everywhere he’s been. Kid is a winner, a born leader” some would say. While others loved his Buddhist vibes, “he’s a cool cat. He’s into yoga and stuff, he’s going to calm every one down. Remind them to be where their feet are, he's a leader of men.”
On the other side of the equation, you had the pursed lips. This is Minnesota so no one was going to say anything bad about “the kid.” But you could tell through the decoded passive aggressiveness that many fans and pundits were worried. “He didn’t throw much at Michigan, they sort of hid him” they’d say alongside questions about his arm strength.
BLIND DATE
The end result was that the 2025 Vikings season would commence as a complete mystery. Because it was all riding on the kid, a total unknown, week 1 ended up feeling a lot like a blind date at table #9 for Vikings fans.
We were excited for the blind date, even a little nervous. We showered, put on our perfume and cologne, and headed out to meet J.J. McCarthy at the bar. Of course, we scanned our blind date’s Instagram @jjmccarthy before heading out to see what to expect.
We learned a lot about our blind date by looking through his Instagram. He was cute, had a nice head of hair. Kind of looked like a young Michael Shannon in eye black.
Our blind date was recently named a captain, which seemed promising because we assume that means he has a boat. He’s good at golf and loves dogs. The kid even likes hockey, which is never a bad thing in Minnesota.
We learned our blind date is super into mindfulness and wellness. Best we can tell from J.J. McCarthy’s Instagram, one of his favorite activities in the entire world is sitting cross legged with his eyes closed.
Side note, can you think of anything better for the tortured and PTSD ridden Vikings fan base, than a new quarterback who looks like he might play golf barefoot. “Alexa, play Bob Marley.”
Lastly, after scanning his Instagram our blind date appears to have a pregnant wife, which is for sure where this metaphor gets weird, so let’s switch to the next phase of the article, the actual date, and game 1 of the 2025 Vikings season.
WERE YOU SURPRISED HOW MUCH YOU COULD HATE A GREY UNDERSHIRT?
I know you probably can’t remember this now, but there were a few minutes last night where it was Caleb Williams, not J.J. McCarthy, that looked like the giant bottle of hope. After we all spent the week sending the painting your nails emoji to every Bears fan we knew, Caleb came out and completed every pass he threw and looked like a different quarterback in year two under new head coach Ben Johnson.
But even when he was playing well, he had that stupid grey undershirt hanging out under his uniform and equipment. And for some reason we all hated it so much. We could maybe lose to the Bears, but we sure as hell weren’t going to lose to a guy with a sloppy grey undershirt hanging out under his gear. Who knew a grey undershirt could make you even more of a villain than the Bears quarterback already was heading into the opener. There was something about that messy grey undershirt that felt like a kid looking at this iPad at the dinner table. It felt like he was wearing a hoodie over his helmet or something. Clearly Caleb Williams has all the talent in the world, but there’s something about how he carries himself that feels, well, not much like Chicago. And the boos at the end of the game would seem to indicate that it won’t be long until Chicago sports radio talking a lot about the Bears $10 Million dollar backup, Tyson Bagent.
IS IT WEIRD TO LOVE OUR COACHES AS MUCH AS THE PLAYERS?
It’s probably not a good sign for the long term, but we’re pretty sure Vikings fans love Kevin O’Connell and Brian Flores as much as our players. No, I mean like we really like them. You can’t buy jerseys for coaches, but I think we would.
We love our quarterback whisperer O’Connell, who somehow feels like he’s J.J. McCarthy’s father, and we’re watching a weird Star Wars prequel as O’Connell teaches J.J. how to use a lightsaber in the swamp. O’Connell seemed so happy last night, he wasn’t just cheering, it felt like he wanted to scream out, “That’s my Boy!” We all did. By the end of the night, you could see it on Ben Johnson’s face that he was being outcoached. I mean O’Connell had Aaron Jones running 40-yard pass plays out of the backfield, he was clearly playing chess, while Johnson was playing checkers.
And then there’s Brian Flores, what an absolute gangster this guy is. He’s sued the NFL, he’s terrifying on all levels. He doesn’t have Harrison Smith for the entire game, and loses Blake Cashman during the game, and his defense doesn’t miss a beat. And we get to watch Flores scowl on the sideline in his flat brim the entire time. Sign me up! Admit it, there were times you found yourself yelling, “Send ‘em B.Flo!” and “that’s what B.Flo is cooking!” while watching the game. Yes, we have a defensive coordinator worth cheering for.
MORE JORDAN MASON PLEASE
I know, we all like Aaron Jones. He seems like a great dude, and we’ve almost forgotten he was a Packer. Not to mention apparently, he’s going to be one of our best wide receivers this year, including his masterful flop on the pass interference as he laughed when they threw the flag. But when it comes to running the ball, moving the chains, and three yards and a cloud of dust, sign us up for Jordan Mason, Jordan Mason, and more Jordan Mason. This dude runs violent, and just from the eye test, he's clearly our RB1.
ABOUT THAT BLIND DATE
But let’s get back to what last night was all about, our blind date with J.J. McCarthy. It’s safe to say an entire fanbase has been waiting for this kid. He’s carrying a lot of hopes and dreams right now. We wouldn’t be surprised if the Vikings sell five thousand McCarthy jerseys this week, because like good Minnesotans we were waiting to see what we thought.
It’s true our blind date did get off to a rough start. When McCarthy telegraphed that interception for a pick-6 we even thought about asking for the check. He seemed a little clumsy, always falling down and doing somersaults. He wasn’t getting the ball out quick enough. We were nervous.
But looking back, Justin Jefferson had a couple drops and ran a route short of the first down marker. Even “one of us” Adam Thielen made a rare drop. When interviewed during the game, Coach O’Connell admitted the team hadn’t given the kid all the help he needed, including the coaches.
Perhaps the most satisfying part of last night’s game was watching the team slowly start to believe in the kid. As the night went on you could see everyone from Coach O’Connell to Justin Jefferson start to buy in on the kid. He was coming of age right in front of our eyes and you could see the change in the veterans on the team’s body language, as if they were saying, “Okay, I see you kid.”
And then to finish it all off throwing two touchdowns, converting a two-point conversion, running one in . . .well, it would be an understatement to say it was a pretty good first date. And we’d like to go out again, what are you doing next Sunday night?
Epilogue: Donate to a Good Cause
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SKOL!!
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