SKÖLIOSIS WEEK 10: CLEAN UP AISLE NINE — Vikings 19, Ravens 27
If anyone knows what it’s like to be a loyal fan of the Purple, it’s the readers of SKÖLIOSIS — your weekly reminder that being a Vikings fan is bad for your health.
ABOUT THAT ALTER EGO
Much attention was paid recently to the fact that our kid quarterback, J.J. McCarthy, revealed that he has a gameday alter-ego, known simply as “Nine.” Now this isn’t anything terribly new. Even the Vikings other J.J., Justin Jefferson, transforms to “Jets” on Sundays. Matty Ice, Revis Island, Cam Newton’s “Superman,” and Brian Dawkins “Weapon X” have all brought a little Marvel magic to the gridiron.
We’re not opposed to the alter ego thing here at Skoliosis. But after watching “Nine” consistently fire balls over the heads of receivers by fifteen yards, we just need to dial things back a bit. To keep it simple for McCarthy, we’d suggest his alter ego become “Six.” He doesn’t need to say it out loud, but we need a little less Hulk Smash, and a little more Tony Stark.
It's clear that part of the “Nine” alter ego, is an off-the-charts intensity. McCarthy becomes almost possessed; we were waiting for him to start speaking in tongues in the post-game videos. The problem with this is his “Nine” persona too quickly turns into a Spinal Tap “Eleven,” especially at the end of games. Maybe “Nine” should talk to the more Zen non super hero McCarthy, sit in one of his fancy chairs, pop an edible, and start chanting a meditation mantra. Let’s turn that “Nine” upside down and try to navigate through the NFL jungle at a much more reasonable “Six,” please.
GAME MANAGER
The writing is on the wall for McCarthy. He arrived at the Lion’s game in his blue-collar work shirt. Can someone please tell “Nine” that McCarthy’s job is to be an efficient game manager, and not much more. This is a good Vikings team with a ton of talent. We won 14 games last year! If McCarthy can put that work shirt back on and just be a solid game manager, we should win more than we lose.
The Ravens game was the exact opposite of what we need. The Vikings offense had a whopping eight false starts this week, playing at home! Somehow it would have been better if it was “Nine” false starts, right? Reading the tea leaves it sounds like McCarthy’s Hulk Smash tendencies are getting into his cadence, with each play sounding completely different to the guys. The kid is so amped up, he’s basically doing a hard count to his own team!
Yes, we clearly need a clean-up in aisle nine this week against the Bears. “Nine” needs to find the dimmer switch, grab his mop, put on his work shirt and just do the job.
PRICE DROP
Tying the cherry stem of this metaphor, it doesn’t help with your return guy is named Price and all he does is drop kicks. The Ravens game was filled with Price Drops, and one fumble turned the course of the entire game. We know groceries are expensive, but when it comes to special teams let’s go easy on the Price Drops, shall we.
THE ONE THAT REALLY MATTERS
It’s not over yet. Like any Vikings season, the Purple are just relevant enough to make it hurt all season long. They haven’t let go of our hearts just yet, we still believe. The good news is with SNAP benefits returning, we expect this will have an immediate impact on our false starts. It makes sense that with the recent government shutdown, the Vikings would have lost all of their SNAP benefits, even playing at home.
The Bears game this weekend is one you circle on the calendar. Caleb Williams is a year ahead of J.J., but he provides the perfect measuring stick for McCarthy. Heck, J.J. only played well for one quarter Week 1, and still managed to scrape Williams’ nail polish off at the end of the game. The Bears have a better record at 6-3 but haven’t really played anyone. If “Nine” can dial it back to a “Six,” and can effectively manage a game where O’Connell actually considers occasionally running the ball, we should be back to a high section of our favorite purple rollercoaster.
What does that mean for Vikings fans? Well, we think this is the week to go all-in. The Bears are the perfect enemy. When Vikings fans finally break and turn in their wings like Cougar in Top Gun, they usually become Bears fans.
I’ve lost a brother to the Bears, and my high school group chat has two guys who finally said, “Enough is enough!” turning in their wings before jumping on the Bears band wagon. This is all the more reason to make a big bet with every Bears fan you know this weekend. We expect the Vikings to be better, we expect McCarthy to be better. We will run the ball effectively, J.J. will settle down. So send those texts, make those calls. It feels like a $99 bet is the move, or if you’re less certain about the kid, maybe $66. Easy money. Skol!
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SKOL!!
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