SKÖLIOSIS WEEK 16: THE 12 STEP PROGRAM — Vikings 16, Giants 13
If anyone knows what it’s like to be a loyal fan of the Purple, it’s the readers of SKÖLIOSIS — your weekly reminder that being a Vikings fan is bad for your health.
NINE BECOMES TWELVE
Normally, you’d think nine becoming twelve would be a good thing. Twelve is more than nine, after all. But in the Vikings 2025 season, where the only viable reason to keep watching a team already mathematically eliminated from the playoffs was to see what we had with our young quarterback, J.J. McCarthy. And then he hurt his hand, or maybe hurt his hand, but if he did hurt his hand, it was like super bad. I mean he was going crazy in pain, because if “Nine” is anything, he’s dramatic.
But the X-Rays came back negative, but he’s still probably super hurt and probably for sure can’t play anymore, because he's hurt super badly. Which leads us to having #12 Max Brosmer potentially play out the season, which could have even the most hardcore Vikings fans reaching for their TV remotes and shutting things down until the NFL Draft in April.
Who are we kidding, that will never happen. Which is why just as #12 Max Brosmer returns to remind Vikings fans that we are not recovering. . .In fact, we are unrecoverable, we decided to lean-in and embrace our backup quarterback for this last fortnight, #12 Max Brosmer, providing you with the official 2025 Minnesota Vikings 12 Step program to finish out the last two weeks of the season.
12 STEPS
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over the Vikings — that our lives had become unmanageable.
This for sure happened this season. We’ve all had that awkward conversation with our wives at some point where she said, “I think we’re done with this, honey.” The 2025 Vikings season felt like Maverick in Top Gun holding onto Goose in the ocean even though he already knew he was dead as the helicopter circled overhead, “You got to let him go, Sir.” Even when it was over, we couldn’t stop watching. We couldn’t give up our football. We couldn’t stop wearing Purple clothing on Sundays. Even this week with Max Brosmer under center, we’re going to rationalize, “I mean we’re playing on Christmas, that’s not nothing.” And then next week it’ll be, “We’re playing the Packers, it’s a rivalry game, honey.”
Vikings fans are like grieving family members without an Advanced Medical Directive. Our team is a vegetable, and we keep driving to the hospital every Sunday during visiting hours. Yes, our lives have most certainly become unmanageable, so much so that Vikings fans are unable to return to real life even when our team is already dead.
Step 2: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
When it comes to football, the great power is most definitely winning the Super Bowl. This is where our faith comes from. The reason none of us want to quit being Vikings fans, is if and when the Vikings ever do win the Super Bowl, it will all be worth it. This is our Holy Grail. This is the validation that all long-suffering Vikings fans crave. This is the greater power that will save us all and absolve our sins.
Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of the Vikings as we understood them.
At some point when you’re a Vikings fan, you know exactly what it means to be a Vikings fan. It means that your Google search history includes the query WHAT PERCENT CHANCE DO THE VIKINGS HAVE OF MAKING THE PLAYOFFS? And it also means that you searched that when they had a less than 1% chance of making the playoffs, which is demented.
To be a Vikings fan requires total surrender. We know it’s going to be horrible, and we still do it. Even when it’s going well, we expect it to explode in our faces at some point. Yet we keep on turning the handle of the purple jack in the box. We can’t help ourselves; we stopped being in charge a long time ago.
Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
We know it’s not healthy to be a Vikings, but we accept them into our lives. As for the morality of our fandom, it’s rooted in loyalty. How many memes have you seen these last few weeks showing a guy and a girl and the text reads HOW YOU KNOW HE’LL BE THERE IN THE HARD TIMES, and the pic just has the guy in a Vikings t-shirt or a Vikings logo on top of his face. I have no recollection of marrying this team, most of us are born into it. That said, being a Vikings fan is most certainly a “’til death do us part” phenomenon. And, yes, I guess I do feel a little bit morally superior for sticking with them. Loyalty is our superpower, and that’s cool.
Step 5: Admitted to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
For most of us this the “another human being” has to be our spouses, our wives or husbands. By now they should know that we are sick. They know being a Vikings fan is a disease, and they shouldn’t be angry at us. It’s not our fault.
I’m an empty nester. My children will be home for a grand total of about a week over the holidays. The Vikings are mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. And I’ll still find a reason to spend four hours watching a meaningless Vikings game on Christmas Day with a backup quarterback. I’ll be staring at the screen at some point on Christmas and my family will be trying to get my attention, “Dad, are you even listening to me?” It’s honestly really bad. I think if I was on an African safari with my family, they’d find me sneaking out of a tent trying to get reception to watch the Vikings. I can’t quit this team even though it only brings me pain.
You’re likely in the same boat, but maybe don’t know it. Ask yourself if it would ever be possible that your friends and family would do an intervention to stop you from being a Vikings fan. If you brought it up, would they awkwardly laugh and joke about it? That’s because it’s only funny because it’s true.
Step 6: Were entirely ready to have the Vikings remove all these defects of character.
What can remove the defects? The hope that springs eternal. It’s there the most right before Week 1, but no matter what happens each season, we somehow wind ourselves back up for the following Fall. And when they are out of the playoffs, we shift our attention to other things big and small. Big stuff like can J.J. McCarthy be our quarterback of the future? And small victories like despite the challenging year, can Justin Jefferson still make it to 1,000 yards this season (he has 917 right now), or can Brian Flores defense hold Jaxson Dart to zero yards passing in a game.
Step 7: Humbly asked to remove our shortcomings.
This one has really revolved around the quarterback position this season. J.J. McCarthy has shown us just enough to make us wonder. He’s won a few games. He’s doing the gritty in the end zone, and we sit there and smile thinking if this guy is actually good people around the league sure are going to hate him. Which is exciting. We compare his stats to the first season of sophomore studs like Drake Maye, Bo Nix, and Caleb Williams and calm ourselves muttering “it takes time” under our breath.
But there are so many shortcomings with McCarthy. The eye black for starters. The false starts. The offsides penalty followed directly by a delay of game this week. How can that even happen?! Throwing 110 mph fastballs on bread and butter out routes that are simply uncatchable. But we keep watching, hoping one day all of these shortcomings will wash away.
Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
The only way to make amends during the season is to get stuff done around the games. If the people we live with are going to continue to be enablers, we need to at least change the oil, shovel the driveway, and get the car washed on Saturday or early morning or later afternoon on Sunday. We need to show them that we’re only dead inside three and a half hours a week. Most will be able to live with that.
Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
I used to have a similar problem with my fantasy football team, Team Elvis. But then I decided to make direct amends. My co-owner and I both always got grief from our wives when talking about fantasy football, “Oh, are you talking about your imaginary football team again?” They hated fantasy football, just like they hate the Vikings.
But then several years back having just won the fantasy football championship, we made an amazing decision to spend our fantasy football winnings on a nice dinner out with the wives. We sat at Mancini’s putting the Italian dressing on the grilled bread, looked into our wives’ eyes and said, “Do you like this? This is what Team Elvis brought into our lives. If it wasn’t for fantasy football, we wouldn’t have any of this. This special night is because of Team Elvis.” It was basically like thanking your wife while accepting the Academy Award.
To put it into football terms, we should probably play some offense. This might be scheduling a dedicated "date night” each week of the NFL regular season or making a point to celebrate milestones with your significant other. “Do you know why we’re at Billy Sushi? Well. . .we’re here because Justin Jefferson had over 1,000 receiving yards this year. And he had a great attitude during a trying season with a young quarterback. I know someone else who put up with a lot this season, honey.” It’s the old carrot and the stick. But, edamame tastes way better than carrots.
Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
I think writing a weekly Vikings column about how being a Vikings fan is bad for your health qualifies here.
Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
Praying, yes we probably need more praying. The Vikings do have this dialed-in with former punter, Greg Coleman’s epic “pregame preach” formerly on KFAN and now on his Instagram. These semi-insane rants are a rite of passage for Vikings fans.
Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to other Vikings fans, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Just did it with this week’s column, and sharing these 12 Steps. I guess that officially makes us your sponsor as a fellow unrecoverable Vikings fan. Guess what your sponsor says you’re going to do this week. You’re going to watch the game. Because when you’re a Vikings fan, no matter how grim it gets, we never pull the plug.
Epilogue: Donate to a Good Cause
Please don’t forget to join us in donating after each Viking win.
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SKOL!!
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