SKÖLIOSIS WEEK 4: IRISH WAKE — Vikings 21, Steelers 24
If anyone knows what it’s like to be a loyal fan of the Purple, it’s the readers of SKÖLIOSIS — your weekly reminder that being a Vikings fan is bad for your health.
Ryder Die
Sunday morning was by all accounts, a rude awakening for fans of The Purple. Sure the idea of an early Vikings game to start your NFL Sunday sounded good on paper, as we stocked our fridges with Guinness and Bailey’s Irish Cream for our morning coffees, and laid out our purple and gold jerseys next to our St. Patty’s leprechaun hats with shamrock socks next to our beds. Many of us even skipped that last Saturday nightcap drink, just so that we could knock off early and be ready for the big game in the morning. Heading to bed early to Google Irish-isms we could throw out during the game, such as “what’s the craic?” (what’s the news) when we returned from the jacks, or talking about how our kicker Will Reichard is really “sucking diesel.”
But then Sunday morning came too fast with our iPhone alarm clocks bleeping and chiming to summon us from our slumbers while it was still dark outside (at least for us West Coast kids, anyway). We started to remember that this early rising, on a Sunday no less, the one day when even God got to rest, was stuff for the birds. Not to mention those Guinness beers didn’t look so inviting the morning after watching Irishmen Rory McIlroy and Shane Lowry thoroughly embarrass team USA on Saturday at the Ryder Cup. Yeah, it was a rough way to start a Sunday, with our Purple seemingly playing as if they just woke up 10 minutes before game time as well. What resulted was a slow start similar to team USA’s in the Ryder Cup, and a 24-6 deficit that even a furious fourth quarter comeback couldn’t quite overcome. Similar to the Sunday singles comeback at Bethpage, The Purple were able to shave the score down to 24-21 in the final minutes, and the hands team got to make an appearance for one last miracle attempt.
Speaking of the Hans Team…
Who is Hans Schroeder, and what did our circadian rhythms ever do to him? That’s the question we Vikings fans should be asking ourselves after the first month of this NFL season that has included two primetime games that kept us up late on school nights to start the season, and now has us in the midst of a stretch of back to back 6:30 AM PST/8:30 AM CT Sunday morning wake-up calls that are ruining our plans to Hurkle-Durkle (Scottish, but close enough) until noon like a good proper NFL Sunday. After a bit of Googling, we were able to find Hans Schroeder is in charge of NFL scheduling every year, and has apparently decided to use 2025 to blow up Minnesotans sleep patterns everywhere. He is the Hans Lando to our ZZZ’s and he must be stopped before he ruins all our love of XXX’s and OOO’s. Hopefully after this painful September stretch of absurdly early and late games our Inglorious Purple Bastard Season can settle into a nice normal noon kickoff routine where we can enjoy the game from our pontoons again, as all Vikings games should be viewed.
But in the meantime we got our eyes on you Hans Schroeder. Our baggy tired eyes, you Hurkle-Durkle ruining Jerk!
Irish Twins
One clear issue with this 2025 edition of The Purple is that it doesn’t seem to have an identity yet. Expectations were high for a team we thought we were gonna be: a smash mouth, super aggressive, win-it-in-the-trenches style team with our newly upgraded D and O-Lines. While there have been glimmers of that team, they look a lot more like a team that can’t quite figure out the right note, struggling to find harmony. Watching the Steelers play the exact style of ball we expected to play, with the exact QB we briefly entertained signing in the offseason, felt a little like a scene from the Netflix documentary “The Greatest Night of Pop”, about the making of the song We Are the World.
In the documentary, Bob Dylan looks hopefully lost and completely confused as to how to sing his brief part, until he solicits help from Stevie Wonder who sings the verse in a mimic of Dylan’s voice, until Bob understood the assignment. Watching Tomlin's Steelers on Sunday felt a little like that, showing us how we are supposed to be ourselves. Tough D, great running game, quick passes when you need them, protect the ball, etc. The good news is that Bob Dylan figured it out after Stevie showed him the way, so hopefully Coach O’Connell and company were paying attention to the songbook on Sunday.
Irish Goodbye
One clear highlight of the game for us Minnesotans that secretly take enjoyment out of watching karma reap immediate revenge was watching Jalen Ramsey acting the maggot, as he picked up an apparent Jordan Mason fumble and returned it for a TD Isaiah Rodgers style, while employing thee old fake like you tore your hammy routine right before going into a Gritty celebration. Only to minutes later have the play overturned, and then a play later ACTUALLY tearing his hamstring, and having to make an early exit (a.k.a. Irish Goodbye) from the game. Ha Ha, Eejit. We are Scarlah for ya!! Okay, not really. We are Minnesotans after all, so we hope you get well soon.
Irish Eyes Are Crying
Can we talk about the Aaron Rodgers thing? It’s a polarizing subject in Minnesota, like politics and religion. But did we actually want Aaron Rodgers on the Vikings, or are we glad the Vikings brass took a pass? Especially in light of our current QB situation with young J.J. not exactly instilling heaps of confidence yet. Sometimes Rodgers seems sort of cool, his I don’t give a shit about anything attitude sort of refreshing for some of us Minnesotans that are crippled by our need to please everyone. Watching Sundays simialarily built teams we couldn’t help wondering what could have been had we signed Rodgers this off-season, until the weird tush push play where he just stood there with his hands on his hips like some sort of Bill Lumbergh creepy Office Space boss asking for our TPS reports and telling us he’s gonna need us to come in again early next Sunday.
Nah, I think I’m still good.
Prince Harry
Plus, I mean, we have to be in better shape rolling Prince Harry out at QB next week in London right? They love him there, right?
Anyway, let’s hope Coach Kevin O’Connell and the Inglorious Purple Bastards can get it figured out before this season gets too Banjaxed, eh?
Before we have to have a proper Irish Wake, for a season gone too soon.
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