SKÖLIOSIS WEEK 8: MAYBE SKIP THE EYE BLACK — Vikings 10, Chargers 37
If anyone knows what it’s like to be a loyal fan of the Purple, it’s the readers of SKÖLIOSIS — your weekly reminder that being a Vikings fan is bad for your health.
AN EASY ACT TO FOLLOW
Okay, let’s try to look at the bright side here. The Vikings are 3-4, and remain a stone’s throw away from the top of the NFC North standings. As card carrying Minnesotans, we do our best to be “Minnesota Nice.” When things are bad, we swallow the chew spit and sweep it under the rug like good, passive-aggressive, Midwesterners.
But Carson “Wince” was just too much. Watching the dismantling of all 3 units of the Purple against the Chargers a week ago was discouraging to say the least. We know the Vikings offensive line isn’t great right now, but even with our liabilities I can honestly say Carson Wentz is my least favorite NFL player to watch of all time.
It starts with the first play of the game, a little toss to a running back rolling out of the backfield and Wentz throws it behind him in the dirt. As far as starting a football game as quarterback, that’s basically like an anthem singer forgetting the words to “The Star-Spangled Banner.”
We know Wentz is from the Dakotas and he’s farm strong and showed incredible toughness staying in that game. But watching Carson “Wince” roll around in pain all over the field was like the Monty Python “just a flesh wound” sketch or the Griswolds continually rolling up on that poor bastard in European Vacation.
At one point I thought Wentz was just going to lay on the field in the fetal position and start ugly crying during a prime-time football game. It’s never a good sign when you’re the starting quarterback and your shoulder pad is sticking out of your jersey because no one on your team thinks they should help you fix it. Mix in a few of Wentz’s patented behind the receiver throws, and the 15 yards over the head of the receiver (usually to the other team), and you’re left with the most unwatchable quarterback in the history of American football.
Carson “Wince.”
I thought I could handle it. Like most lifelong Vikings fans, I’m basically dead inside. I watch all of their games, but nothing really hurts. I get a little joy from the high points (Minneapolis Miracle), but the bad stuff bounces off me like water off a duck’s back. Until Wentz. Carson Wentz. Carson “Wince.” That’s a hard “No,” I can’t take it. He makes me want to throw the remote control and chew on tin foil. He broke me. Unwatchable.
Yes, Wentz was in a horrible spot. Stuck playing in front of a decimated offensive line, while the “maybe” injured J.J. McCarthy nursed the longest high ankle sprain in the history of sport.
Making matters even worse, McCarthy seemed to show quite a bit of athleticism on the sidelines jumping out of the way of an incoming Justin Jefferson. But he’s hurt, right?
Right . . .
Okay, let’s try to dig back up to the surface and find a silver lining here. Here’s is the good news: there is nothing worse than watching Cason Wentz play quarterback, period. If the strategy was to set up McCarthy for success, well, now the recipe for McCarthy is just to suck 1% less than Carson Wentz. This seems doable!
Clearly the Vikings brass didn’t want any pressure around The Kid. The Vikings offseason looked like a realty series, only it would be called “The Botchelor” as O’Connell and Kwesi refused to hand a rose to Sam Darnold, Daniel Jones, and Aaron Rodgers. It seemed that “the quarterback whisperer” O’Connell would rather coach-up a random Vikings fan from the stands to play the position, than to give McCarthy any objects in his rearview mirror.
So, there you have it. The stage is set. Following Carson “Wince” at quarterback is like having Sinbad open for your comedy show. It’s an easy act to follow. Suck 1% less, and Vikings fans probably won’t turn off the television this Sunday.
WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR DARK ALLEY DEFENSE?
Even when the Vikings have felt less than legit these last few years, it’s always been fun to have a Brian Flores defense on one side of the ball. Flores was our mad scientist, the coordinator you wanted walking with you down the dark alley. He was a hard ass, and even if teams could move the ball against us, we learned to love his scheming and the “bend don’t break” mentality of his units.
Not to mention television always gave us a healthy dose of tough guy Flores shots from the sidelines. His hat pulled down low, his play chart in front of his face—Flores was our evil genius. He was hard. He was smart. And other teams were scared he might curb stomp them. This dude sued the NFL!
Cut to this season where Flores defense can’t get any pressure on the quarterback and the secondary is an open gate. Not only is the Vikings defense suddenly soft, we’re barely seeing any Flores cutaways on the broadcast. We may not have been the Purple People Eaters, but it was nice having a defensive coordinator that you felt might have fashioned a shank out of some dining utensils and would do what needed to be done. Now even our Boogeyman Flores seems to have been left on the cutting room floor.
INTO THE LION’S DEN
Now that J.J. McCarthy is done being imaginary injured, he has to come back into NFL game action with a road game in Detroit against the Lions. Yikes! Even Ridley Scott supposedly cut the goriest scene out of Gladiator that involved people getting fed to the Lions underneath the coliseum.
Hold on, let’s get our composure back. Remember, J.J. just needs to suck 1% less than Carson “Wince.” We can do this. He can do this. It’s also pretty dramatic to start McCarthy in the Lion’s den. If he is able to find some magic, the Vikings fanbase will be rejuvenated quickly.
It does seem like maybe J.J. should lose the eye black for this one. We know people wear it: John Randall, Chris Hovan, Jaxson Dart, even the Lions own Aidan Hutchinson. But there’s still something collegiate about the eye black. It’s like you’re still clinging to your letter jacket, only you’re wearing it on your face. Considering McCarthy hasn’t played since week 2, and he’s being parachuted into Detroit to be fed to the Lions, I know I would be somehow reassured if the kid lost the eye black this week as he starts his coming of age journey.
SIGFRIED AND BOY
There’s a reason Dorothy and her band of misfits in The Wizard of Oz sang, “Lions, and Tigers, and Bears. Oh My!” These beasts be scary, and Sunday at noon we’ll find out if J.J. McCarthy is a lion tamer, and if he’s a man comfortable in the arena leading our football team. Or if our boy is fed to the Lions and dragged off the stage like Roy from Siegried and Roy.
Let’s try to stay positive here and hope that McCarthy rubs a little dirt on his hands like Maximus in Gladiator, screaming “Are you not entertained!?” while taming the Lions, while sucking at least 1% less than Carson Wentz. That’s the hope Purple Nation has been longing for. The good news is with Wentz injured, now we’re at least going to see what we have with #9. With any luck he’ll be more Gladiator than Siegfried and Boy.
Epilogue: Donate to a Good Cause
Please don’t forget to join us in donating after each Viking win.
Join us in donating @ https://www.scoliosis.org/donate/
SKOL!!
NETWORK PARTNERS
