SKÖLIOSIS WEEK 2: PLAYING 18 SKOLS — Vikings 9, Bears 3
If anyone knows what it’s like to be a loyal fan of the Purple, it’s the readers of SKÖLIOSIS — your weekly reminder that being a Vikings fan is bad for your health.
If You Can’t Be On The Boat, Be On The Course.
We were unable to get out on the pontoon for some fresh water Skol last weekend, but we were able to do the next best thing—listen to the Vikings Week 2 game against the Bears while playing a round of golf.
Since it’s our mission here at Pulltab Sports to help you live vicariously through the torment that is being a Minnesota Vikings fan, we decided to play “18 Skols” for this week’s recap. That’s right, we’re taking you to a fictious golf course to reflect on 18 reasons why Vikings fans should be excited about the 2-0 start to the season.
Let’s call the imaginary course we’re playing in this recap Voyage National Links, that has a Viking ring to it. And because this is all make believe, let’s say the course has two distinct 9-hole tracks. The first 9 is named after our mad scientist of a defensive coordinator, Brian Flores. And the second 9 is named after our quarterback whispering head coach, Kevin O’Connell.
Front Side
Brian’s Fairway Blitz Dunes—9 Reasons to be excited about BFlo’s Defense.
Hole 1
It’s weird for anyone Minnesota related to be as much of a badass as Brian Flores is. I’m pretty sure the DMV only issued the all black murdered out Minnesota license plates because they’d look cool on what I’m sure is the badass black truck Mr. Flores drives.
Hole 2
The Vikings defense has a 79.3% Blitz Rate, leading the entire NFL by a large margin. The last person to register a Blitz Rate this high was Steven Adler, and it got him kicked out of Guns N’ Roses. Which is hard to do. Having a 79.3% Blitz Rate is basically like the guy with the green dot on his helmet and the defensive coordinator only being able to say 3 words to each other during games: HOLD MY BEER. It’s awesome, it’s reckless, it’s dangerous—and we’re loving every minute of it. Also, it’s cool to say Blitz Rate. And, yes, it should always be capitalized.
Hole 3
Harry “The Hitman” has hockey hair. Say that three times fast. As if this legend, current MFer and future HOFer couldn’t get any cooler. Yes, the Hitman added a little party in back. Not that he’ll ever let anyone get behind him to see it.
Hole 4
Flores has perfected the art of bend don’t break defense. The Vikings are currently 25th in yards allowed, while somehow allowing only a stingy 12.5 points per game. We all know as Vikings fans that nothing can ever be easy. Flores understand the brand, and he’s working his dark magic in the most dramatic way possible. Watching the Vikings defense each week is like being waterboarded. We feel pain the entire time, but no permanent damage is done. BFlo puts the Christ in Masochist . . .well, close enough.
Hole 5
The Vikings have 8 sacks, ranking first in the NFL. While Myles Garrett and Aaron Donald sit injured on the sidelines, all the Vikings defense does is bag bodies. Our defense should have a Hefty Cinch Sak sponsorship by now. If this keeps up, we really need to take back the Purple People Eaters moniker. Can we make this happen? Someone make the merch.
Hole 6
Not since Tim Riggins got kicked off the bus and Lyla Garrity picked him up on the side of the road, has rain looked so cool on a man. Yes, Brian Flores looks cool in the rain. What was he wearing on Sunday? Did BFlo sign an NIL deal with Hefty Cinch Sak himself, were those garbage bags? Was he wearing an oil cloth jacket? Was that the duster Doc Holiday wore in Tombstone . . .the coat from The Matrix? It’s true, Brian Flores gets even harder in the rain.
Hole 7
Sadly, Chuck Norris died in March of this year. It’s no coincidence that Brian Flores’ defense is undefeated since Chuck Norris died. Brian Flores is the new Chuck Norris. Okay, Are we saying Brian Flores was somehow responsible for the passing of Chuck Norris? No, we are not. But could Brian Flores could have kicked Chuck Norris’ ass? Yes, he could.
Hole 8
We have an edge rusher with maybe the perfect name for an edge rusher, Dallas Turner. Dallas because you don’t want to mess with Texas, and Turner because you have zero chance of getting outside on this behemoth. Two games into the season, Dallas Turner has 11 QB hits, 17 pressures, and his sack against Chicago to end the game was the muddy and wet exclamation mark we all needed. Stud.
Hole 9
Sadly, Dolly Parton died in August of this year. It’s no coincidence that Brian Flores’ defense is undefeated since Dolly Parton died. Are we saying Brian Flores was somehow responsible for the passing of Dolly Parton? No, we are not. But could Brian Flores have written a song just as good as Dolly’s “I Will Always Love You” and karaoke it even better than Whitney Houston? Do Brian Flores’ defenses work “9 to 5?” No, Brian Flores’ defenses work 24/7. Can we all just all agree to not put limits on what Brian Flores can do.
Back Side
Kevin’s Whispering Willows—9 Reasons to be excited about KOC’s Offense.
Hole 10
If you’re wondering who has the Aux cord in the Vikings locker room, the smart money is on running back Deejay Dallas. There’s also a strong chance Deejay is a cousin of NHL player Brandon “crazy eyes” Tanev. In summary, there is something called Deejay Dallas playing offense for the Minnesota Vikings, and that has to be a good thing.
Hole 11
The Vikings appear committed to the run, and a style of football that can win in the playoffs. The Vikings offense is averaging 113 rushing yards per game, and 3.6 per carry, and Jordan Mason hasn’t even been healthy!
Hole 12
The Aaron Jones play where he got his helmet knocked off in the mud against the Bears this week, and didn’t even seem to care was the football equivalent of birdie juice while I was on the golf course listening to the game on KFAN. Tweet. Tweet.
Hole 13
Every two years I’m watching the Olympics and wishing they could just put one normal guy in every event. Just so we could have a baseline, and it would make everything that much more impressive. Having Carson Wentz being your starting quarterback in the NFL is a bit like that. I’m not throwing shade at Carson, he’s not just some guy off the street. He’s more like a guy you bumped into at Home Depot on Sunday morning and were like, “hey, what are you doing after this?” Hard not to root for this guy, especially after he went for Monty Python “It’s just a flesh wound” levels almost dying on the field playing for us last season.
Hole 14
When the Vikings win, Caribou does a BOGO. Yep, purple victory = you buy one, you get one. When I arrived at work on Monday, this coffee was on my desk from a co-worker. Simply put, every Vikings win is now a win-win. Literally.
Hole 15
On the first hole on Sunday I put my tee shot straight into the water. Since it was the first hole, the group allowed a breakfast ball i.e. “two off the first.” I was using Taylor Made Minnesota Vikings golf balls. I bought them a while back, and waited until the start of the season to mix them in. It was unfortunate that the very first Vikings ball I hit went straight into the drink.
But, here is the weird part. On that same hole, a guy I was playing with found a ball while helping me look for another one of mine. As it turns out, he found a different Taylor Made Vikings ball hidden in the rough. The ball wasn’t the one I hit, but it was Vikings branded. Not only is this obviously an undeniable, “The Vikings simply won’t go away” sign for this season. It also probably signified that the team was good in water, like the rain in Chicago. And personally, I believe it’s a “what’s lost, will soon be found” metaphor for Kyler Murray. Think about it. Kyler shanked his first shot too with an interception on his first pass. But just like that Taylor Made I found, we should all expect Kyler to come back at some point to save us.
Hole 16
Justin Jefferson seems happy with his situation. And while he might not be JJ2K with this quarterback room, it’s wonderful to see him smiling after being such a team player last year with the worst QB room in the league.
Hole 17
[I know this is defense, but couldn’t help myself] Sadly, Gloria Steinem died in September of this year. It’s no coincidence that Brian Flores’ defense is undefeated since Gloria Steinem died. Are we saying Brian Flores was somehow responsible for the passing of Gloria Steinem? No, we are not. But does Brian Flores fight for others as a fearless activist (he did sue the NFL) in his own right? Yes, Brian Flores is all those things.
Hole 18
We’re going to finish with an overall team observation from Week 2. Part of what made beating the Bears so satisfying is that if Vikings fans ever “Jump Ship,” it seems to always be to the Bears. Think about it. Vikings fans rarely if ever trade their purple for Green Bay’s green and gold. But we’ve all lost a friend or family member to the Chicago Bears. Maybe they lived in Chicago, or went to school there, or the Vikings finally broke them. And we’ve all had to listen to how great Ben Johnson is, and how the Bears are going to “be a problem” for the league for the next 5 years. That’s what made Sunday so satisfying. We got to watch the coach who said his offense would be the highest scoring of all time put up just 3 points. Not to mention all the Caleb grade 1 hamstring stuff has been an Internet rabbit hole I have no plans of leaving any time soon. Beating the Bears is the gift that keeps on giving.
Hit ‘em straight, people. Next up Tampa. Skol!
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