SKÖLIOSIS WEEK 14—What Happens in Vegas, Should Stay in Vegas— Minnesota 3 Las Vegas 0
If anyone knows what it’s like to be a loyal fan of the Purple, it’s the readers of SKÖLIOSIS — your weekly reminder that being a Vikings fan is bad for your health.
When was the last time your city’s professional hockey and football team both won road games by the exact same score. For us proud Minnesotans, it was yesterday.
It remains undecided which is more Minnesotan: to have the ugliest victory in NFL history, or to complain relentlessly about said victory. If I hear one more Viking fan say, “that was the worst game ever . . .” To which the only correct response is, “. . .if you’re a Raiders fan.” Please remember, Raiders fans had to watch that game and lose that game. Ouch.
We won. I’ve always believed there’s no such thing as an ugly “W” when it comes to sports victories, but I’ll admit yesterday in Las Vegas tested that theory. It’s somehow appropriate that the spread on that game was Vikings -3, while playing in Vegas. It seems fitting that most of the Vikings fanbase had to endure the entirety of that rock fight of a football game, only to eventually make it back to the casinos to neither win or lose any money. Just a push, which is nowhere near as fun as a tush push. That’s a perfectly purple outcome.
Viva Las Vegas
Everyone knows the first rule about Vegas is that we don’t talk about what happens in Vegas. But screw it, this is Sköliosis so we’re obligated to talk about what happened in Vegas. Yes, we know being a Viking fan is bad for your health. But you know what else is bad for your health? A weekend in Las Vegas. Sin City. A city dripping with every kind of excess you can imagine. Bright lights, non-stop beeping sounds, sex, drugs and alcohol. So, in a lot of ways, it was startling that the Vikings vs. Raiders game, featuring two teams whose mascots are beer swilling pillagers that should fit right in at a city built around debauchery, featured a whole lot of nothing. Well, almost nothing. We’ll get to the somethings in a second.
The Week 14 Vikings Vs. Raiders game only Redzone cutovers were to report on accumulating injuries not accumulating points. Because there weren’t any of the latter. None. Zero. Until the last 2 minutes, of course. Yep, we were stuck at 0-0 late into the fourth quarter, which felt a little like travelling all the way to Vegas for a rowdy guy’s or girl’s weekend only to spend it stuck in neutral, passed out, or locked up on the rooftop of your hotel and missing the whole party.
But then again, should we be surprised that a football game, a game of X’s and O’s, featured a lot more XXX’s (Defense) than O’s (Offense). Vegas does like it’s XXX’s after all. Lots and lots of XXX’s. But with a scoreboard stuck showing only O’s for 3 long hours, the game felt like it was all Hugs (OOO’s) and no kisses (XXX’s). Which didn’t feel right for a weekend in Vegas. We prefer our Vegas wet and sloppy.
Brian Flores Is One Cool Cat.
It seems like Brian Flores with his clipboard in front of his mouth has already reached Mike Tomlin levels of coolness. Vikings fans have grown accustomed to his blitz every play, bend but don’t break defense. Yesterday, they barely bent, shutting out the Raiders for an entire sixty minutes. Flores defense hasn’t given up a touchdown in twelve quarters! We don’t know what’s next for Brian Flores, but this guy has a real mystique about him. Flores is certain to walk down “the path of the righteous man” because his current level of cool is vintage Samuel L. Jackson. Brian Flores is a comic book hero. We should all be thankful for his contribution this season.
Keg Stand and Deliver
Luckily the game did feature something fun. Leave it to our Brian Flores-led defense to give us the one shining moment of the game with the keg stand celebration. I don’t know why anyone is complaining about this game or calling it the worst game of all time. It’s impossible for this game to go down as a terrible game because it included the keg stand celebration. You know how people go caroling at nursing homes to cheer up the old people? The Vikings should hire street teams of people with laptops to travel the world just pressing play on a video of that keg stand celebration. It makes everyone happy. It saved the game. It gave us the “at least we had that” alibi we all needed. Once again Flores’ crew provided another scrappy performance on defense and a few Cirque du Soleil caliber celebrations.
Although one could argue a keg stand celebration was a curious choice for a team whose offensive coordinator was cited for a DWI the day before. Maybe that was the point? A shot across the bow from a defense doing all the heavy lifting the last few weeks directed at an anemic offense not carrying their weight?
Raise your hand if you knew the Vikings even had an offensive coordinator? With Kevin O’Connell clearly calling the plays and driving the offense, what does Wes Phillips even do? Who can blame the guy for assuming he could sneak away for a barley pop or two the day before a game assuming his actual role was probably just to back up Kevin O’Connell in the event Kevin got himself locked on a hotel roof on Sunday.
Mulligans in Sin City
Sunday’s game in Sin City also featured some controversy. Vikings kicker Greg Joseph got some attention for wearing “I Stand for Israel” cleats on his kicking feet during the game, as part of the NFL’s “My Cause My Cleats” campaign allowing players to express themselves. Pulltab Sports isn’t in the politics business, but it does seem oddly appropriate that one of the few Jewish players in the league, Joseph, probably had half of Purple Nation yelling “Jesus Christ!” after his first missed kick, and later delivered the team to victory with a redeeming winning kick. All while breaking a game of scoring celibacy with a late field goal in the middle of Sin City, during the holidays. I guess we can all agree on a little forgiveness and 2nd chances. Amen!
Perhaps even more notable, was that our kicker was given this second chance by a guy named Nick Mullens, a.k.a. the human “Mulligan,” which this game desperately needed.
Having Nick Mullens at the helm seems perfect for a Vikings season that seems like a Mulligan Stew made from odds and ends of players thrown together in an attempt to make something edible. If “suitable to consume” seems too generous for this year’s Purple, the other definition of Mulligan is an extra stroke in golf, or a second chance in sports terminology. And Mr. Mullens sure does look a lot like Tom Berenger a.k.a. Jake Taylor in the Major League movie which has to mean something, right?
Nick Mullens Is Making Nick Mullens Faces
There couldn’t have been a better person to come into the game and lead the Vikings to a 3-0 victory, after nearly 4 hours of pain. Was it just us that noticed that Nick Mullens makes a lot of Nick Mullens faces. He somehow looked like a guy who had been watching that game not playing in it, as he had pain behind those eyes. Only time will tell if Nick Mullens making Nick Mullens faces doesn’t exactly inspire confidence with the purple faithful. For most of the game, the expression on Mullens seemed to look like a guy who had mistakenly put diesel fuel in his Corolla. That said, there’s something blue collar awesome about him. I checked his Wikipedia because I had this idea he was from Duluth. He’s not, but Nick would still look awesome in a Carhart coat.
What Happens Next?
One of my buddy’s sent a great text after the game that said, “that game could have been an email.” Maybe so but remember this is all about the Vikings master plan. They are luring us back in.
Right now, Vikings fans are like a rescue puppy that’s sleeping peacefully in its cage listening to the sound of its mother’s heartbeat. But when that puppy wakes up it’s going to see its mother is gone, and that someone just stuck an old clock in its cage to help her cope. There was no heart at all!
Yes, Vikes fans. We’re getting set up for something. We’re just not quite sure what it’s going to be. Are we about to experience a Motown Mauling or maybe the pain will come from the slice of New Year’s Eve Green Bay Cheese stuck in between those Lions games. If the other shoe is about to drop, the NFC North will be prominently involved.
On the bright side, even if the season does end poorly, we’ll always have the keg stand celebration. No one can take that away from us. Unless we play the Eagles in the playoffs, and they beat us like 49-0 and their players do a mock keg stand celebration to taunt us. But that would never happen . . .
Okay, let’s be positive here.
Choose Love
In the end, after three quarters of anemic offense lead by an ineffective Josh Dobbs, Nick Mullens was able to do just enough to get Greg Joseph a second chance to redeem himself with a kick that would prove to be the only 3 points of the game. Just enough to earn the win as our XXX Defense finished it off with one more interception and fantastic celebration. A back flip by Ivan Pace Jr. that maybe not coincidentally happened next to the Choose Love sign – perhaps serving as a good reminder that even when you get stuck watching a 3-0 snooze fest . . .that your team wins. All you can do is Choose Love. Lets just hope it’s the kind of love with equal amounts of XXX’s and OOO’s going forward.
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