SKÖLIOSIS WEEK 4 — If Taylor Swift Attends The Vikings Game On Sunday, It Will Save Our Season—Vikings 21 Panthers 13.
If anyone knows what it’s like to be a loyal fan of the Purple, it’s the readers of SKÖLIOSIS — your weekly reminder that being a Vikings fan is bad for your health.
The Vikings grabbed their first victory of the 2023 season against the lowly Carolina Panthers last weekend. It was a game that reminded us that Harrison Smith still has some gas in the tank, and that if you wreck enough of your Sundays watching the Purple that eventually we’ll get a bounce too. Look no further than D.J. Wonnum’s 51-yard scoop and score on Sunday. It would be easy to look at that Wonnum play and say, “that’s it.” That’s the moment the Vikings season changes. Like a bad movie where someone gets conked on the head and returns to form, could that have been the moment that saved the Vikings season?
Nope. But this weekend presents itself with a season defining moment, and it’s not what you think.
The Vikings will have either won or lost before their 3:25 pm kickoff this Sunday. It all comes down to whether Taylor Swift will attend the Vikings game in-person this weekend against the Chiefs and her boyfriend, Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce. The phenomenon known as “TRAYLOR” or “THE TRAYLOR EFFECT” is sweeping the Nation with Kelce adding podcast listeners and social media followers, and T.Swift adding perhaps the only audience she didn’t have, the coveted chicken-wing-eating NFL crowd.
But like any good Minnesotan we’ve all had this scenario playing out amongst Taylor and her team a few weeks back:
Taylor’s Publicist: Congrats, on your new relationship with Travis. Considering he “shot his shot” about you watching him at Arrowhead, it seems like attending a home Chiefs game at Arrowhead would be the perfect spot to go public with your relationship.
Taylor Swift: Okay, cool. Where is the game after that?
Taylor’s Publicist: New York City.
Taylor Swift: Done and done. We’ll bring the entire cast of Deadpool, it will be amazing! How about Week 5, who do the Chiefs play in Week 5?
Taylor’s Publicist: They play in Minnesota.
Taylor Swift: Ahh...
Now, I have no reason to suspect that Taylor Swift considers Minnesota a flyover state. She did sellout this very same U.S. Bank Stadium twice this summer.
Maybe T. Swift has a soft spot for the Mall of America. Maybe she calls it “the Mega Mall” with her close friends.
I mean Taylor did grow up in West Reading, Pennsylvania. Not to mention, the way she was mixing ranch dressing in the Arrowhead luxury suite, makes me think T. Swift loves herself some Midwest.
So, this is the big test: Does Taylor Swift attend the Vikings Vs. Chiefs game in person this Sunday?
If she doesn’t come, make no mistake — it’s a devastating blow. It doesn’t matter what her excuse is:
. . .she’s getting ready for her concert film to release
. . . she had a previous commitment
. . . the dog ate her homework
No, it doesn’t matter. Because for us, if Taylor Swift doesn’t show up this Sunday, it tells us that she rolled her eyes at the visit. Whether out loud or not, she stared at Minnesota on the map and was like, “Nope” or “Hell to the No” about taking a trip here in October.
Taylor breaking her streak of attending her boyfriend’s NFL games in-person in Minnesota would signal that she thinks not only is Minnesota a flyover state… it’s not even on the radarfor P.J.s (private jets). It would mean she thinks we’re all a bunch of spud-butts probably walking around in Hard Rock Cafe sweatshirts (not ironically), and that our restaurants only have Hunt’s ketchup.
To the contrary, if Taylor does attend in person, the whole of Minnesota is validated. We will build on it, including our Vikings who will look at their 1-3 start and “Shake it Off” as they build to a glorious “Lavender Haze” rectifying their season on their way to the playoffs.
Miss Swift attending Sunday’s game in-person is the first step toward Vikings fans trading friendship bracelets in Las Vegas as we right the ship on the way to the Super Bowl.
Taylor attending in person would show that she’s one of us, and that we can trust her affinity for ranch dressing. We’ll know that while she may be sitting in a luxury suite at U.S. Bank, that she isn’t looking down on us.
If Taylor Swift comes to Minnesota, the world is our oyster. In fact, it means that Taylor might believe you can actually order oysters somewhere in Minnesota. Who knows what she’ll do while she’s here. Maybe post up at the magnificent new downtown Four Seasons, or a late night trip to Billy’s Sushi or Café Lurcat?
Regardless, if Taylor Swift attends the Vikings game in person this weekend, it will show us all that this soon to be billionaire hit maker still knows what a good bloody mary tastes like, and would probably throw $100 in a two-dollar pulltab box with you at the local dive bar.
That’s it. It’s that simple. If Taylor proves Minnesota is not a flyover state this weekend, our Vikings will soar. Taylor comes, Vikings win. You heard it here first.
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