SKÖLIOSIS WEEK 18: THE CLUES WERE THERE FOR VIKINGS’ TRUE DETECTIVES—Lions 30 Vikings 20
If anyone knows what it’s like to be a loyal fan of the Purple, it’s the readers of SKÖLIOSIS — your weekly reminder that being a Vikings fan is bad for your health.
To quote from C.J. HAMlet, “Two QBs, or not to be. That is the question.”
It really is that simple. Just ask Bill Belichick. The “Best coach of All Time’s” record since his quarterback Tom Brady left New England is 29-38, including a gruesome 4-13 season this year.
It’s not like the universe didn’t warn us. For Vikings true detectives, the clues were always there. In fact, the only way the clues about what was most important this season could have been more obvious was if we had been sent us one of those serial killer letters with all the letters cut out of magazines spelling the word: QUARTERBACKS. And, yes, that’s meant to be plural: Quarterbacks, with a giant “S!”
There were so many clues, but it all started with a riddle. The universe first started toying with us on July 12, 2023. This is the precise moment the Purple fanbase’s love affair with Kirk Cousins began with the Netflix docuseries Quarterback.
Wait, there is a docuseries about three quarterbacks and it’s called Quarterback without the “S.” Hmmm, that seems weird now doesn’t it. A clue!
The Summer of Kirko began with a sterling performance in the Netflix docuseries. Kirk transformed from Ned Flanders, to leading man overnight. He was humble, loved his family, tough, and shopped at Kohl’s. The quarterback who couldn’t get it done on prime time, was suddenly a star! A Manningcast appearance, commercials, he even sounded the ghallarhron with his shirt off. I’m not sure who had a better 2023, it was either Taylor Swift or Kirk Cousins. And it was close.
And then Kirk got hurt. In week 8 against the Packers. A torn Achilles that put him out for the season. Leaving Vikings fans the sometimes pleasant and often unpleasant experience of playing a game of quarterback Tinder as we swiped right each Sunday for one night stands with the Passtronaut Josh Dobbs, Jaren “Hall” Pass, and Nick Mullens making Nick Mullens’ faces. It was a rugged ride to say the least.
As the Vikings stare down the barrel of a critical off season, it doesn’t take True Detective’s Jodi Foster to solve this case. Most detectives start by looking at known acquaintances, as the crime usually involves people you know.
Take a quick look across the border and you’ll find another clue that Quarterbacks with an “S” is what matters most. As painful as it may be, I ask you to look at the Green Bay Packers. You know the Packers who had Hall of Fame Quarterback Brett Favre and still drafted future Hall of Fame quarterback Aaron Rodgers. You know the Packers who had future Hall of Famer Aaron Rodgers and still drafted young stud Jordan Love. Yes, those Packers.
It doesn’t take Sherlock Holmes to see that a quarterback double burger is the right order at the drive thru if you’re seeking sustained success in the NFL. Our border buddies have had a better succession plan than most Fortune 500 companies for years!
Professor Plum in the ballroom with the candlestick. All the clues were there! And then when the Vikings are finally eliminated from the playoffs in Week 18 against the Lions, two million people are treated to the season premiere of True Detective Season 4 called Night Country. While the series officially takes place in Alaska, the setting is cold, dark, void of hope with characters that prey on the most vulnerable. Sound familiar?
Jodi Foster’s character, Detective Liz Danvers even shows up in the first episode wearing a Vikings branded hoodie. At this point, the universe is basically mocking us like the serial killer we never brought to justice.
So how do we solve this problem? How do we crack the very cold case that is being a Minnesota Vikings fan?
It’s all about a number. And that number is two. The Vikings need to do two things, and they need to start the 2024 season with two viable options under center.
#1 HOMETOWN TAG FOR KIRKO
First, let us offer our congratulations to Kirk Cousins. After being underappreciated for years with the All Pro passive aggressiveness for our top passer, Vikings fans were treated to a half season where multiple quarterbacks tried to take the keys to the Vikings’ Lamborghini offense, only to crash it over and over again.
It’s okay to admit it now. We all felt Kirk was an adequate game manager. Like fans watching an NBA game saying, “If I was 7-feet tall this would be easy, it’s like playing basketball with a ball of paper and a wastepaper basket. All you need to do is toss it in there, you don’t even need to jump!” And then we watched QB after QB attempt to take the reins of the offense, only to beat the dead horse that maybe, just maybe Kirk Cousins is a Top 10 QB in the league.
How this plays out with Kirk will be very interesting. Kirk himself offered a very cryptic comment when discussing his contract at a recent press conference, sharing a story of a mentor telling him once, “It’s not about the money, it’s about what the money represents.”
That sure sounds like a guy who wants to be validated on his W2. Perhaps Jerry Maquire offers us further clues. Kirk is about to have a choice. He can say “show me the money!” forcing the Vikings to make-up for all the Ned Flanders, Trent Dilfer comparisons, making an honest man out of him by paying him AGAIN as a Top 10 or Top 5 quarterback. But there is another way. . .
Kirk could choose to be like Jerry Maguire’s Rod Tidwell and decide it’s all about the Quan. Kirk could tag the “Hometown Tag” and pull a Tampa Bay Tom Brady, taking a little less money so the Vikings can build around him, including a young stud backup quarterback (more on this in a minute).
If Kirk took the “Hometown Tag” instead of the “Franchise Tag,” he’d cement his legacy in Minnesota. He’d more than make up the difference in endorsements, effectively extending his Netflix’s Quarterback PR bump for the rest of his time on this planet. He would be both loved and appreciated. Even if the Vikings never won the Super Bowl, Kirk’s legacy would be four words, “Great guy, great quarterback.” Something to consider for someone who clearly knows life is bigger than football.
#2 DRAFT A YOUNG STUD QB AS WELL
There’s an old saying, likely filled with toxic masculinity, that you shouldn’t draft a quarterback with an ugly girlfriend because it could mean he has “confidence issues.” Well, that won’t be a problem in this year’s QB-rich draft that looks like the Miss America Pageant when it comes to the most important position in all of sports.
Caleb Williams. Drake Maye. Jayden Daniels. Michael Penix Jr., Bo Nix. J.J. McCarthy to name a few. It’s time for Kwesi and the gang to take out their magnifying glasses and flash their badges like Liz Danvers to solve this Vikings cold case by setting us up at quarterback for years to come.
Quarterbacks with an “S.” It’s that simple. Case closed!
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